Prayer

Patrick and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary this week at a Contemplative Prayer Retreat. I'll be honest. This was not what I had in mind. I am not that holy. I imagined our anniversary with lots of lounging... on a beach, listening to the waves roll in. Or sitting on the patio of some darling little gourmet restaurant with mountains and sunshine in the landscape and a glass of wine. I imagined rest. Rest from schedules. Rest from technology. Sleeping in. I imagined having Patrick all to myself. No phone calls, or text messages, or E-mails, or MLB play-offs, or NFL to compete with. Just him, me, and lots of fresh air.

I resisted the life out of this up until the very last second. "I am an introvert," I tried to explain to him, "An exhausted one who needs to not be 'on' once in a while." The last thing I wanted to do, was spend our only tenth anniversary on a schedule of 6am and 9:30pm prayers, taking meals in silence (actually, that part was optional), four group sessions a day between prayer sits. Oh, and yoga. Which he loves. Breathe in... Breathe out... take your left leg over your right shoulder and wrap your toes around your throat three times. Yoga only reminds me how weak and inflexible I am becoming. For days after yoga my legs and arms feel like those little pencil erasers from elementary school--the ones shaped like a little man with floppy arms and legs that wiggled all over the place when you used it. Today I'd have better luck climbing stairs with my teeth.  "I'm already contemplative," I tried to explain to him. I spend time alone every morning. I keep a daily prayer journal. I don't need this.

Not until the very end, just a few days before the retreat was to begin, did I relinquish. We were eligible for a little bit of continuing education grant money, so this would be much less expensive than driving out to Breckenridge or taking that cruise. Besides, I'm doing a worship series on prayer in November. This could help me prepare for that. Fine. I would use our anniversary to work. Patrick called. Phileena, who along with her husband, Chris, directs the retreat, inquired whether the retreat center could squeeze us in. Yes. We were off to Schuyler, Nebraska. (I'm still not even sure how to pronounce it). It's in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by miles of cornfields. No cell phone reception, no cable television, no Internet. At least I got that technology fast I was hoping for.

It was definitely not what I was looking for and exactly what I needed. 

The space felt holy, "bathed in prayer" as Phileena said, by the monks who lived there. We prayed with the monks, received our blessings during the Eucharist, and we practiced many forms of prayer throughout the day. The gift of contemplative prayer is that it makes manic, controlling "J" types like me shut up and listen. I did a lot of listening this week. The further into stillness and silence I went, the more aware I became of the weariness of my own body and the creative ways I find to run away from God in the name of God. And as I felt Christ lifting burdens from me, I felt Christ lifting the burdens of others--the ones from church who have lost sisters and brothers, the ones who are caring for life partners whose minds and bodies are failing, for my own family. As that space within me was opened and lifted, I knew that room, even for the next ten years of marriage, was widening.

Chris likened our prayer lives to body building. If we only do one kind of exercise, say for our triceps, over and over and over, we're going to end up with really strong triceps, but the rest of our body remains unattended and, consequently, pretty weak and lopsided (that must mean I'm going to have really strong teeth).  This is my paraphrase, of course, so I hope I've honored his illustration in good faith.  The point was that having different forms of prayer we practice helps provide a well-rounded, well-strengthened spiritual life.

If you're interested in learning more, or attending a retreat hosted by Phileena and Chris Heuertz, their website is gravitycenter.com. The tab "Practice" offers different forms of prayer. If you've been thinking about entering into or deepening a practice of prayer or meditation, this is the place for you. I would highly recommend doing a retreat. Learning these prayers and practicing them in community was the jumpstart I needed to expanding my listening skills, leaving room for God to speak into my life, my marriage, and my work. And instead of returning to my life feeling overwhelmed and behind like most vacations, I'm returning feeling full and ready to give. I met many wonderful people there and am thankful to have had this experience.